As a mental health provider at the Center for Transgender Care, I am often talking with my patients about their unhelpful and negative thoughts which keep coming back, even if they “don’t really believe them.” Recently, one of my conversations with a patient went as follows:
“What are two ways to win at tug of war?” I recently asked my client.
“I would pull the rope as hard as possible and overpower the person on the other end.”
“Ok, that might work, but what is another way?” I asked.
“Not sure,” said my client.
“What if you were to drop the rope while the other person continued to pull?” I asked again.
“I guess the other person would fall down or would be left holding the rope alone” they responded.
“Precisely! That is how we are going to help you with your unhelpful thoughts.”
We have all had moments in which our thoughts, anxieties, and worries occupy more of our time than we would like. It may be tempting to spend time worrying about things outside of our control — an upcoming exam or stressing out about an important meeting —but likely all that time spent ruminating is not actually helping you study for the test or prepare for your presentation. More likely, all that time spent worrying increased the chances that you won’t ace the test or give an amazing presentation because it distracted you from the actual work that could have positively influenced those outcomes. Worrying then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy that can create a vicious cycle.
Others may have advised you to get rid of these unhelpful thoughts by challenging them, arguing against them, or “talking yourself out of it”. While these approaches may be helpful for some, another approach may be to stop arguing against your thoughts all together.
Challenging your thoughts is the equivalent to engaging in a tug of war and pulling on the rope as hard as possible. Choosing not to engage in that battle is equivalent to “dropping the rope”. This approach is routed in a strategy called Cognitive Defusion and is a component of a mindfulness-based therapy called Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. Defusion means to separate yourself from your thoughts, rather than get stuck in them.
So how does one practice Cognitive Defusion?
Instead of fighting your thoughts, try to observe them as if they were coming in and out of your head, without pushing them away or getting upset that they are occurring. We don’t have complete control over what thoughts come into our head at any given time (thankfully!) and eventually they will leave our mind as fast as they came in.
The best way to practice may be through exercises that allow us to see our thoughts as being outside of ourselves. For instance, imagine your thoughts as pieces of sushi at one of those sushi conveyor belt restaurants. Some thoughts are positive, some are neutral, and some are unhelpful. But they all come…and eventually go. Your mind is the sushi chef; you get to decide what you want to do with each dish (thought) that passes by.
Helpful videos that can help you practice this technique
Check out the below videos that can help you better practice Cognitive Defusion!
Sushi Train Metaphor: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tzUoXJVI0wo
Clouds in the Sky: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PBB4lnsH2b0
Leaves on a Stream: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5qM-NBgBTSo