ANON is a patient of our program who contributed the following piece on her experience after an interaction with her colleague/friend. We are grateful for her decision in choosing to share her story and are publishing anonymously to protect her privacy.
Please note: the names in this article have been changed for privacy.
I have known “Lee” for close to 20 years. It was less than friendly in the beginning, but time smoothed over the sharp edges like beach glass and as a result, we have become pretty good friends.
I have been very protective of my gender dysphoria, and early transitioning in the workplace, can be a job killer, and I know Lee through our respective occupations; to preserve my work, silence is golden. Lee and I occasionally have lunch to simply chat about common interests, and while I was sitting in his office waiting for him to get off a phone call, I made what I thought was a fatal mistake and accidentally outed myself by leaning back in my chair to stretch out from a long drive. My chest gave it away, and the look on Lee’s face let me know he noticed something. DAMN! I thought.
We got to the diner and when we sat down, I decided to simply, diplomatically, explain the highlights of myself. Needless to say, Lee was somewhat surprised but at the same time listened. Not one word of negativity was said, and we continued to have lunch with a few non-lethal questions that I answered as best as I could. This outing could be a huge death blow to me, as our respective jobs cross paths, and while it’s a big industry, its also a small community, so my financial health is at risk. Nonetheless, when I told Lee that if he was not comfortable with who I am, and would prefer that we go our separate ways I would understand, but could he please keep my ’secret’ just that, he said he would not tell anyone. (He sort of did tell someone, but I am giving Lee a pass because of who it is). I also told him that if he had any questions to please ask, as its better for me to educate someone than for that person to walk around ignorantly.
A couple of weeks later, I get a call from Lee about going to lunch…..”I have questions.” Lee picked a Jamaican place (we are both foodies and frequently find some place different to go), and while we were waiting for our orders, the questions started. He asked five or six, but there were two that stood out and I remember them like they were just asked ten seconds ago.
“Do you have a female name?” was the first, and when I said yes, I do, he immediately cut me short and said not to tell him as he does not want to know it. I laughed as I replied that I wasn’t ready to share the name with anyone yet anyway. I am guessing the reason is so he does not accidentally address me with it at work should we be in the same room etc., but I never asked why.
Lee then said the following…..
“Women have a certain way they interact with other women, and men have a way they interact with other men. Likewise, men interact with women a certain way, and women in turn interact with men a certain way as well.” I listened to this, and then the question came out and I was rather impressed and surprised at the same time…..
“So, how do I interact with you?”
WOW!! Lee has always been a very cerebral thinker, and he obviously had this on his mind for a while.
The answer came out of me pretty quick. I simply explained that nothing has changed….much, and that he should just keep things as they are. I don’t blatantly present as female, so there is no need to change anything for now. I also explained that if something he says starts to drift into an area I am not comfortable with, I won’t bite his head off and scold him, ; instead, I’ll just politely mention that the subject needs to go in a different direction. Fortunately, we have never gone there, and instead we both tease my situation somewhat good-naturedly once in a while, and I am more than fine with that. Since then, I get an occasional question, and quite honestly, nothing has changed between the two of us. But one thing has crossed my mind……Lee knows two people that are letter members of the LGBTQ community, and I have wondered if his acceptance, or tolerance of me is because of those two people. Nonetheless I will take a friend where I can get one, and I value our ‘interactions’ on every level we have: work, hobbies, and life.
To those of you reading this, you should understand that my standpoint of how someone should interact with me may or may not be the same for you. That’s OK!! You be you, everyone else is taken. Some of us are more aggressive with our transitioning than others and prefer a more gender-aligning interaction, and there is nothing wrong with that. Would I prefer to be addressed by “My Name?” Yes. Would I like to be addressed as “She/Her?” Yes. But I am also aware that, in my world, it’s not time yet, and that time for me is going to have to wait a little longer.
Believe in yourself, ALWAYS!
ANON